Forgiveness: More Complicated Than We Think

As a Christian I have tended to have a very simplistic understanding of what it means to forgive. The idea has been to “forgive and forget,” meaning that we absolve the other person’s sin against us no matter how heinous and no matter how unrepentant the other person is.

Then I encountered a brief YouTube presentation by psychiatrist Dr. Stephen Marmer about the subject of forgiveness. Watching the video will give some context to what I note below it.

Some biblical examples of forgiveness or the apparent lack thereof help illustrate the points Dr. Marmer makes about three levels of forgiveness: exoneration, forbearance and release.

In the first example, we find Joseph the son of Jacob in Egypt after first being sold into slavery by his brothers. He has had time to meditate on his fate and has even saved the rest of his family (yes, even the ones who enslaved him) from starvation during an extended drought. By Gen. 50:15-21 his father had died and his brothers were afraid Joseph would take revenge on them. Notice that in their indirect way, however, they actually acknowledge that their actions had been evil and had hurt him badly in their apology. Joseph is able to exonerate them and thereby repair the relationship with them.

Joseph accepts the apology as sincere because there is an acknowledgement, however awkwardly put, of the harmful intent followed by repentance. That closely resembles the “exoneration” level and rules that Dr. Marner proposes.

At an earlier point in Joseph’s career in Egypt he uses a different approach. In Gen. 41:46-52 we find him naming his sons. He has become a powerful figure in the nation and is married to an Egyptian noblewoman of priestly lineage. He names his firstborn son Manasseh because “God has helped me forget all my trouble and all my father’s household.”

Here we seem to find an example of the third level of forgiveness: release. Joseph is no longer bothered by the memory of what his brothers have done to him. Of course there has been no contact with them for years and they are clearly no longer a threat to him, so it becomes possible to let the anger and vengefulness go. This “letting go” has probably helped him decide to rescue his brothers and their families from the famine later in his career and paved the way for final reconciliation.

In Luke 17:1-4 Jesus clarifies the conditions for forgiveness found in the parallel passage of Matthew 18:21-22. The condition: repentance.

And it gets even worse for those who believe in unconditional forgiveness. In Matthew 18:15-20 Jesus give instruction for dealing with sin within the church. Notice the progression. First, seek private repentance. Next, bring witnesses to seek acknowledgment. Third, bring the matter to the attention of the church. Finally, if that fails, push the offender out of the fellowship and keep him at arms length.

There seems to be a progression of attempts to seek acknowledgement and repentance. When that fails the final step is literally release.

Finally, in his first Christian sermon (Acts 2:36-41), Peter explains how the people who called for Jesus’ death could be saved: “Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of your sins.”

God is not as interested in unconditional forgiveness of sin as some of us may believe. At a minimum, the kind of exoneration everyone hopes for requires sincere repentance – change – and actions that John the Baptist calls “fruit worthy of repentance” (Matthew 3:7-8).

Even in the biblical world-view of both Old and New Covenants, forgiveness is more complex and demanding than perhaps many of us realize. Dr. Marmer, who is Jewish, bases his understanding of these levels of forgiveness on the Old Testament. He notes that throughout the Scriptures God’s forgiveness is mostly of the “forbearance” kind because He wants to maintain the relationship with Israel.

Note that when it is no longer possible in the face of unrepentance, even God practices release. Israel is sent into slavery to Babylon so that God does not have to face their sin directly in the Holy Land. Before that, remember Eli the Priest and King Saul, plus many examples of evil kings of Israel and Judah whom God put to death or whose kingship God revoked when their evil became unbearable.

Naturally that doesn’t mean that any of those levels of forgiveness is easy. Simple, yes. Easy, not so much.